Who are you at work? Are you on my list?

After spending a couple of decades in Corporate America, I’ve identified that no matter what industry, and what job, there are some common personalities that almost every company has on their payroll. So, who are YOU at work?

See if you can recognize a little of yourself or some of your colleagues among this list:

Workaholic Wendy: In an effort to rocket herself to the top of the food chain, Wendy hasn’t taken a lunch since her first internship. She brings work home every night and every weekend, walks around the building at about 100 mph hardly making eye contact with anyone because she’s very focused on her “very important work” and has to get back to her desk (God forbid she take a 2 minute bathroom break). She loves sending mass emails at 2 a.m. to the entire department, so that in case the fact that she ages 10 years every 4 weeks didn’t give it away, you are reminded about how much harder she works than everyone! Wendy needs sleep. And trophies. Mostly, she wants trophies.

Debbie Downer: Debbie hates her job. Debbie hates her boss. Debbie hates her boyfriend. Debbie hates her laptop. Debbie hates the CEO. Debbie hates the industry she works in. Debbie hates animals. Debbie doesn’t realize that Debbie has all the power to change her life. Debbie hates every possible lunch option within a 100-mile radius. Don’t make the mistake of asking Debbie to lunch.

Suck-up Sue: Sue very well may be great at her job, but because she’s so insecure, instead of working hard, she spends most of her time figuring out how to brown-nose and befriend all the key decision makers so that she doesn’t actually have to earn her way to her next promotion. You may also know Suck-up Sue as Fake-as-a-rake Franny or Smoke-up-your-butt Sam.

Sarcasm Steve: Steve is generally a good guy. He’s well-educated, a high performer, and a great guy to hit a happy hour with after work. Steve is just so burned out on corporate B.S. that he’s sick and tired of pretending he lives and dies for this company anymore. Sarcasm Steve stopped drinking the Kool-aid a long time ago, so don’t expect to see him in the free t-shirt he got on Employee Appreciation Day. Also, don’t expect to see him aiming for the C-Suite, he couldn’t care less.

Narcissistic Ned: Ned was the quarterback of his college football team. Well, at least that’s what he says. He also dated supermodels and “could have gone to Harvard” if he “wanted” to, but he didn’t because he “had his reasons”. Yeah. Ned is very attractive, always tan and spends loads of time in the gym. No one is a bigger cheerleader for Ned than Ned. Ned’s biggest problem? He’s not as smart as he pretends he is, so he has to use you to make himself look competent. Ned could be voted “most likely to rip off your ideas” and “most likely to have a mid-life crisis”.

Never-works-on-Fridays Nelly: Nelly is supposed to work on Fridays, but somehow she only makes it in to the office on Fridays about 50% of the time. No one is quite sure how she pulls it off. Does she have a lot of vacation days? Did she come in and leave early and you just missed it? She’s somewhat ethereal on Fridays. Nelly is also the same person you may see roaming the hallways of the building in feigned urgency, who’s office smells strangely like nail polish and who comes back from a three hour “doctor’s appointment” with fresh highlights.

Pro-athlete-wanna-be Pete: Peter, Peter, Peter. This guy is just about the most clueless dude in the building. He continues talking about last Sunday’s game, long after you’ve tuned him out and turned back to your computer screen. He’ll yell out sports stats to anyone within earshot, even after he’s asked if anyone has been watching the play-offs and no one responds. He’s also the guy who pretends to be swinging an imaginary golf club, or throwing an imaginary football, anytime he’s not at his desk. Pete – your glory days are over, if you ever had them in the first place. You work in Accounting now.

Help Desk Hank: Last but not least, Help Desk Hank. Hank is my favorite guy at work. Not because I like him, he actually treats everyone like crap most of the time (yes Hank, I’d rebooted four times before calling you, also, I’m not a child or a moron, and it is quite possible that my 5-year-old laptop is on its last leg, and this is not an issue due to user error). What I like about him is that he asserts himself so confidently at work, but when he goes home, I know he lives with his mother and plays on-line video games all night wearing superman pajamas.

Do you see someone you know on my list? I’d love to hear your stories in the comments (please keep it classy friends, this is just meant as lighthearted fun)!

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Image provided by Wikimedia Commons

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